Madison Ave.

We need a return to this kind of advertising immediately! Think of the endless opportunities missed for marring racism and Advertising especially post 911 ... 4 more years! 4 more years!

It's been along time...

Let me start off by making excuses.

I am unable for whatever reason to post entries from home, I can do it but I can't really edit them, and as you know loyal reader my spelling is terrible! Now that I'm back teaching again I have access to a computer that I can edit from so I'll be starting up the old blog again. I'm sorry that I've been away so long. That being said let's charge into the latest...

George Bush doesn't care about black people?

I don't think so.

George Bush doesn't care about any people.

If so he wouldn't be cutting funding to programs like FEMA and thumb his nose @the Kyoto accord. Global Warming is part of the reason that New Orleans is under water in the first place.

Maybe Dub-yuh is actually an Evil Genius (bear with me) I know he's evil but this is seriously a plot straight out of Flash Gordon.

Fade in (interior Deep within the hidden volcano HQ of W in Crawford Texas)

W: At last my plan has come to fruition the price of oil is very high indeed.

Soon I will invade Iraq and control the oil fields bringing the human race to it's knees and making me the most powerful man in the world!

(enter: Jack booted lacky wearing an all leather cowboy outfit with the word Lasso emblazoned across his chest in white letters)

W: Who dares interrupt me in this my finest hour!

Lasso: All hail W, I bring news of a fantastic treasure found by one of your agents buried under the town of New Orleans.

W: New Orleans? Dispatch the Army immediately! Use as much force as is necessary, kill as many as possible. Let them quake at the name W!

(a dark figure emerges from the shadows, troll like in it's appearance)

Mysterious Figure: An excellent plan indeed "W" but a bit showy don't you think? Perhaps there is a better, quieter way. We can still crush them and take the treasure for ourselves.

W: Cheney? My God! I'd heard legends of you from my Father but I never believed you were anything more than a boogy man.

Lasso: The women in my village used to threaten ill behaved children with your presence saying that you lurked beneath their beds.

Cheney: W, I can give you the Power of Cesar but the love of Reagan.

W: But how?

Cheney: We use your beloved fossil fuels, create a device called the H2 earth fu*ker and raise the temperature of the Earth and raise the water level... Then we wait.

W: But won't people look to me to (gulp) do something?

Cheney: Cut your funding to programs that will help people then start a war to distract them. Then we WAIT... ha ha ha ha !

The funniest new show not on TV

When I was in LA I met a guy named Jack Rida a very cool guy who let me tag along with him. He's got a show on Channel 102.com It's called Jesus Christ Supercop. Check it out it's Hilarious!!!

6 things I hate...About myself

1. My feet They hurt constantly not like "Ow they're sore." more like " Damn it did I brake all my toes in my sleep?"

2. My bad memory I can not remember anything I'm not sure how many unnecessary miles have been tread from one room to another trying to figure out, what I'm looking for, if I'm looking for something at all, and why the hell am I in this room in the first place? I write notes and forget where I put them. I once owed a guy ten bucks and he got me to repay him that same 10 bucks (no shit) 5 times.

3. My weight Over the past winter I have become a big fat bastard AGAIN. Partly due to the fact that I wasn't able to run inside because I don't belong to a gym, and It was too damn cold outside I also just got Damn lazy. See also # 1.

4. My car It's great don't get me wrong, I just can't afford it. Basically I had a great job when I bought it and didn't listen to anyone's advice about buying a used car for less money and the thing has hung around my neck like an albatross ever since.

5. My Parents I wasn't born rich and I'll never forgive them.

6. My bad memo...DAMN IT

Local Self Storage Facility A Museum of personal Failure

I'm sure that one day my parents can open one of their own in their basement. But maybe one day Garden City will be like Fairmont Indiana and they'll close down the municipal airport to honor me! Just like James Dean...One day.

Here is the onion article . "Local Self Storage Facility A Museum of personal Failure"

Who are you calling a Geek? Oh...Me

I've been catching a lot of flack lately about being a dork, I like Comics I'm into improv (big boy pretend) and I watch the Discovery channel, a lot. Blow me! I'd like to think of myself as that lovable glasses wearing cool, geek chic guy, who lurks in vintage record stores and reads books, and enjoys music that's outside the mainstream, and who's idols are people you've never heard of. Unfortunately I don't think I'm him. I never learned to play the guitar, that guy would know how to play the guitar. Also I think a lot of the independent local scene kind of sucks and my idols are all famous for something.
I've never been able to get the people who try so hard to be different for it's own sake they are just as bad as the people who are desperately trying to fit in. You're either different or your not. Like being Spanish.

Are you a geek? Well how big of one are you? I'm in the 21.1 percentile according to this test

Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh!

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Did I mention that I'm at Joey's Comedy club A LOT!

Paper Heros

I have a lot of completely fictional icons that I look up to like Darth Vader and Jesus... but these two lovable scamps take the cake, they're violent gin swilling spokesmen for a generation check 'em out!

click here

These two go on hate fueld rampages that frankly make me jelous.

They're not in it for truth Justice or the American way, they just want to smash the things that piss them off.

Oh man...

Things I have done in the past week that have made me want to get punched in the face instead of doing.

1. Did a show where I roasted a rich woman on her birthday and was forced contractually not to be offensive.

2. I did Karoke in the cafeteria of a retirement home.

3. Got lost in Wyandotte looking for a place in River Rouge (It was like a scene in Robo-cop)

4. Went to camp for three days with 150 5th graders and got bus sick.

5. Did the late show at Dave and Busters and did a scene about ESPN's coverage of the World Masturbation Finals.

When I was young...And Stupid

We tend to make similar mistakes when we are too young to be cool as well as when were to old. Such a large part of the human experience at least in America is trying to be cool. Kids will pick up on things from older brothers, sisters and even adults and adopt that as their own sense of cool. How else can you explain Goth Elementary schoolers? Inevitably they end up NOT getting it and what ever slang or pop culture reference they are attempting to interject they end up misusing, sounding like a total idiot to anyone who is savy enough to figure it out. Like the kindergartener who keeps saying Some-of-a-bitch or for even more evidence of this ask me about the "You wanna Blowjob?!" story.
Today I was teaching a math class and told the kids to open up their books to page 320 (Three-twenty) This was accompanied by a smattering of giggles, some whispering and then some more giggles. This is usually the kind of behavior that comes after the mention of sperm whale or something along those lines so this time I was left scratching my head. So I pulled one of the kids aside and asked what was the big deal about 3-20? They looked at me a bit freaked out and said uhh... You know like marijuana. Wow 50cent is gonna have to try a lot harder, to get through to these kids.
This phenomenon is not exclusive to the elementary/middle school set it has been witnessed by anyone who has worked in any hip retail clothing establishment and had a button down 3o and up come in to get an outfit for "Going to the club with some friends" You know the guy who is way into whatever look is popular at the time but is WAY WAY overdoing it, or the middle aged guy in the office who way tossing around " For shizzle my nizzle" not realizing that he was calling Phil from accounts payable the "N"-word. There are two shining examples of this in my building. One the Gym teacher who dresses in head to toe in shady wear, white guy late 30's, and the English teacher who wears the tight miniskirts and bows in her hair, PUSHING 60. Dude. Being cool is easy there are men and women that are well into they're 70's who have kept their cool.
Jack Nicholson, Morgan Freeman, Lauren Bacall,and Loretta Lynn JOHNNY F-ing CASH!
Cool not hip.
Miles Davis knew it and Sammy Davis didn't THEY ARE NOT THE SAME THING. The window for being hip is similar to that of learning a foreign language it only stays open for so long and then it becomes more and more difficult until it eventually becomes impossible.