LMAO is for illeterate losers...

But it would describe the following quite well this is the best of a feature article in the online news letter Kitten Pants. try and read it all without cracking a smile.

That's Entertainment!
by Uncle Sloppy, kittenpants, Corn Mo


THE CHARLES BRONSON SHOW
This Oprah-style talk show focuses mainly on women's issues, and is hosted by everybody's favorite lovable grouch, Charles Bronson. Regular features like “self breast examinations”, “coping with menopause”, “how to deal with an abusive spouse”, and the "Death Wish Book Club" make this new show “must see TV” for the housewife or mother who cares. It’s important subject matter for every woman, and every Charles Bronson fan.

This week: Psychologist Sgt. Chas Axelrod, USMC, counsels an abused 45-year-old homemaker from Stockton, CA. Plus, easy recipes for the single mom on the go. Death Wish Book Club selections: WILL by G. Gordon Liddy, MEIN KAMPF, by Adolph Hitler, and HEARTBURN by Nora Ephron.

SHIRT AND PANTS
An hour-long drama created by Law and Order’s Dick Wolf. The first half of the show revolves around shirts (Who’s wearing them? What color are they?), while the last half gives the audience the pant’s perspective (Who’s not wearing them? How does this relate to shirts?).

SOUTH AMERICAN WILDERNESS KINDERGARTEN
A new adventure/children’s show filmed live at a daycare in the jungles of Bolivia. It centers around a group of nine-year-olds who are taught the ABCs of learning by a pack of wild boars, three boa constrictors, a rogue jackal, and four rather large, carnivorous baboons. The focus is on fun as these kids learn how to read, and how to disguise one’s self as a shrub to avoid being devoured alive by an instructor.

This Week: the class improves basic math skills by counting the pieces left of little Jimmy’s torso after he is “punished” for stealing berries from Principal Koko.

THE MASTURBATING CHEF (now on MH's FOOD channel)
A hot new British import on PBS—this cooking show features England’s most renowned chef, Lindsay Wyman, doing what he does best: cooking traditional English dishes, then masturbating in them.

This Week: Chef Wyman lovingly prepares an old-fashioned Shepherd’s pie, masturbates in it, and serves it to the studio audience. Nobody can tell the difference.

SHIRTS AND PANTS: SVU
Dick Wolf does it again! This show delves further into the lives, loves, and the harsh reality of New York City’s heroic clothing separates. You could say Wolf has covered this topic top to bottom!

THE BYE-BYE ROOM
A children’s show where toddlers are lured into a secret room, shot through the head with a bolt thrower, and ground up to make dog food. Hosted by Regis Philbin and Alf.

This week: the Henderson triplets become the Henderson twins, with hilarious results.

THE OUTLAW FINGERBANG JONES
A western series about a silent drifter who travels from town to town fighting bandits and delivering his own brand of “justice” in the form of the fastest fingerbang in the West.

This Week: after killing the men who shot her husband, our hero fingerbangs Old Widow Jenkins till the cows cum home.

AFTER SCHOOL SPECIALS:
“The Trouble with Retards”
“Two French Buddies Get Real”
“Patches: the Torture Dog”
“Shattered Dreams, Broken Hearts, and Tender Taints”
“ZOO WORLD!!”
“Larry and Toby and Judy and Kate and the Neighborhood Mongoloid”
“City Bitches”
“WHY?!! The Peter Allen Story”
“The Bill Cosby Death Squad Variety Hour”
“Daddy, Help Me Learn to Have an Orgasm”
“Sid and Marty Kroft present: H.R. Rapingstuff’s Tree House of Shame”

ANGEL DUST DAVE’S YANKEE WORKSHOP
Vietnam vet and Angel Dust addict, Dave Simmons, builds trophy cases using wood from his yard, then smashes them with his face after smoking Angel Dust.

This Week: Guest star Scott Baio runs for his life after accidentally spilling paint thinner on Dave’s stash.

CHOOSTER
A half-chicken/half-rooster lone gunman offers vigilante justice to the people he meets while searching for the scientists who created him.

This week: Chooster stumbles upon an abandoned child, reunites him with his mother, and fucks the living shit out of her Thanksgiving entrée.

Who the Fuck Are You?
A kooky "Brit-com" about 3 London flatmates who live next door to a chemical plant. The fumes have eroded their short-term memory causing them to constantly scare the shit out of one another when they enter the living room, and prompting the enormously popular catch-phrase "Who the fuck are you?!!"

This week: Shirley walks in on Clive having sex with Wendy on the couch. Not recognizing Clive, Shirley mistakes him for a rapist and stabs him to death with a fingernail file. She and Wendy eventually find a new roommate, then immediately forget who he is, and all is back to "normal".

Goth Jeopardy
A new twist on an old classic: Host Peter Murphy quizzes Hot Topic employees on trivia related to the music, fashion, and lifestyle of the irrepressible Goth subculture.

This week: Kat, a 19-year-old body piercing enthusiast is disqualified when she forgets to phrase the answer "Sisters of Mercy" in the form of a question.

Shit Or Get Off the Pot
Succumbing to America's love for the "extreme" game show, we've developed this exciting new twist: contestants are forced to answer questions about science, history, and the arts, while simultaneously moving their bowels. Set atop a specially constructed electrified chrome and plexiglass toilet, the stress is magnified by the loaded revolver being held at their head by an autistic 11-year-old with Tourette's Syndrome, as well as the giant scorpions crawling on their exposed genitalia. Points are deducted for wrong answers and "false alarms". Hosted by Peter Graves.

This week: University of Wisconsin quarterback Flip Miller gets 500 bonus points for timing his explosive diarrhea to coincide with his answer "Cuban Missile Crisis".

"UNCLE FRIEND"
Jessica is being "raised" by a single "mom". In this half-hour dramedy, we watch 12-year-old Jessica come of age as she is introduced to an endless string of her mother's boyfriends. Special "Uncle" appearances by Scott Baio, William Shatner, Warwick Davis and Conan O'Brien.

"BLOW-JOB CAFE"
A live one-hour musical variety show set in a kooky diner staffed by deranged, sex-addicted Vietnam vets. Each musical number and/or comedy routine is followed by a real live blow-job. This week's episode: Special guest Donny Most gets stabbed while trying to keep Staff Sergeant Rick Jones from giving him a blow-job.

Madison Ave.

We need a return to this kind of advertising immediately! Think of the endless opportunities missed for marring racism and Advertising especially post 911 ... 4 more years! 4 more years!

It's been along time...

Let me start off by making excuses.

I am unable for whatever reason to post entries from home, I can do it but I can't really edit them, and as you know loyal reader my spelling is terrible! Now that I'm back teaching again I have access to a computer that I can edit from so I'll be starting up the old blog again. I'm sorry that I've been away so long. That being said let's charge into the latest...

George Bush doesn't care about black people?

I don't think so.

George Bush doesn't care about any people.

If so he wouldn't be cutting funding to programs like FEMA and thumb his nose @the Kyoto accord. Global Warming is part of the reason that New Orleans is under water in the first place.

Maybe Dub-yuh is actually an Evil Genius (bear with me) I know he's evil but this is seriously a plot straight out of Flash Gordon.

Fade in (interior Deep within the hidden volcano HQ of W in Crawford Texas)

W: At last my plan has come to fruition the price of oil is very high indeed.

Soon I will invade Iraq and control the oil fields bringing the human race to it's knees and making me the most powerful man in the world!

(enter: Jack booted lacky wearing an all leather cowboy outfit with the word Lasso emblazoned across his chest in white letters)

W: Who dares interrupt me in this my finest hour!

Lasso: All hail W, I bring news of a fantastic treasure found by one of your agents buried under the town of New Orleans.

W: New Orleans? Dispatch the Army immediately! Use as much force as is necessary, kill as many as possible. Let them quake at the name W!

(a dark figure emerges from the shadows, troll like in it's appearance)

Mysterious Figure: An excellent plan indeed "W" but a bit showy don't you think? Perhaps there is a better, quieter way. We can still crush them and take the treasure for ourselves.

W: Cheney? My God! I'd heard legends of you from my Father but I never believed you were anything more than a boogy man.

Lasso: The women in my village used to threaten ill behaved children with your presence saying that you lurked beneath their beds.

Cheney: W, I can give you the Power of Cesar but the love of Reagan.

W: But how?

Cheney: We use your beloved fossil fuels, create a device called the H2 earth fu*ker and raise the temperature of the Earth and raise the water level... Then we wait.

W: But won't people look to me to (gulp) do something?

Cheney: Cut your funding to programs that will help people then start a war to distract them. Then we WAIT... ha ha ha ha !